Pain and Suffering amidst the Joyous Christmas Spirit, and Hopes for the New Year

Coming up with titles for my blog posts is my least favourite thing to do, but I wanted to show the huge (and uncomfortable) contrasts that I experienced over my Christmas holidays in Guatemala City, as well as my daily life here in San Salvador.

Since high school, every Christmas I have always given some of my money to help the poor, be it through local food or toy drives, or donating to MCC. These things are important, and I hope I will continue to be able to afford to do this in the future. These acts of charity always give me a nice feeling inside, for helping people less fortunate than I. But unfortunately, it also somehow gives me “permission” to continue on with the rest of my Christmas traditions of consumerism, eating too much food, and being in the company of my middle-class friends and family. This Christmas was different – I was living in a developing country, and instead of giving my money to people who had less than me, I was sharing my time and friendship with them.

Some days I have a hard time dealing with the guilt I feel here. I am a rich, white, healthy, university-educated, North American (and I’m sure my list of privileges could go on). Even though I’m living much more simply here than I did in Canada (when I was a so-called “poor” university student), I am still so rich compared to the majority of the people here. Even living on a meager MCC budget, I can afford to go to the mall once and a while and buy myself (or waste my money on?) an expensive iced cappuccino, a delicious slice of Oreo cheese cake, and a new pair of cute sandals, that I probably didn’t really need as much as I thought I did. What I spend in one afternoon, could maybe help a poor family struggling to make ends meet, have enough food for a week or two.

On top of all this, I feel guilty for the fact that my whole life I took for granted what it is like to live in a safe and secure country, where I am able to walk on the streets after dark (or even during the day!) without a second thought, or fear that I will get robbed, or worse. There are some Central Americans that have never had the privilege to know what this is like. Yet back home in Canada, we don’t even think twice that this is a privilege or realize just how lucky we are. I never realized how much security impacts your day to day life, until I moved to Guatemala and El Salvador, 2 countries with some of the highest murder rates in the world, and plagued by violence, gangs, the drug trade, and poverty.

In past years, the month of December for me has been a time of stress about exams and final papers, as well as excitement of getting into the “Christmas Spirit”. This past December, although also a time of anticipation for Christmas, it was also a time when I heard countless stories of suffering, and cried to myself in my room numerous times at night. From my co-workers, families at the pre-school where I work, friends, host families, and neighbours, in both Guatemala and El Salvador, I have heard heartbreaking stories of family members and friends murdered. I have heard the effects that gangs, poverty, crime, violence, domestic abuse, alcoholism, divided families etc. have had on people’s lives. Whereas back home in Canada (or at least the comfortable small city where I am from) these stories are the exception, here in Central America these stories are almost the rule: practically every family has stories of intense suffering they could tell, from either during the civil wars in the 1980s, and/or in recent years due to the rise in violence. (According to some recent stats, today there are as many murders committed daily, as there was during the civil war). Sometimes I wonder how they can still go on with their lives, with all the suffering they have faced and continue to face, especially since there isn’t much hope for things to change anytime soon.

Although not nearly as dramatic or intense, I wanted to share 2 stories of my own that happened to me over my Christmas holidays.

On Dec. 23^rd, I went to do some last minute Christmas shopping (although in Guatemala, I think they just call it Christmas Shopping – “last minute” isn’t really so much a concept here, but a way of life!!) with some of my host siblings, who were buying gifts for all their younger cousins. We spent 6 hours, and went to 2 different shopping centres. Driving on a busy main city street at around 8pm, heading to our second shopping destination, we drove past a bunch of cop cars with flashing lights, pulled over on the side of the street. I couldn’t see what was going on, but after we drove by, I overheard one of my siblings saying something about “un cuerpo” which means a body. It turns out we had driven past a murder scene, and they had seen the dead body lying on the street.

Murder. And Christmas Shopping.

Two things I would have never put together in the same story before. Suddenly Christmas shopping didn’t seem so important after all. I was really shaken up, but once we arrived to the next mall, and started shopping again, I somehow had forgotten the whole thing. I didn’t remember it again until 3 days later, when my host brother read in the newspaper that 74 people had been killed in Guatemala during the Christmas holidays, Dec. 23-25. Although Guatemala has one of the highest murder rates in the world, this is high even for Guatemalan standards. I’m not sure why the whole incident startled me so much, since I read about people being killed every time I pick up a newspaper here. During my joyful Christmas holidays though, this was definitely not something I was comfortable hearing or thinking about, let alone driving past.

My second uncomfortable story happened on Boxing Day. I took a day trip with some friends to Antigua, a beautiful touristy town, 45 minutes out of the city. The bus was packed full, and I was sharing my seat with a woman and her son, and a huge garbage bag. Since the rest of my friends were hidden by people standing in the aisles (there’s a reason why they call them chicken buses!) I was bored and decided to strike up a conversation with the woman beside me. She was an indigenous woman from Santiago Atitlan, who now lived in Guatemala City with her two children. I was very excited to share with her that I actually knew where Santiago Atitlan was, and that I had visited there a few times, and that it was a beautiful place! Since it was Boxing Day, typical “small talk” is to ask how your Christmas went. So I asked her if they did anything special for Christmas. I’m not sure why her answer surprised me, since I know that poverty exists, and I see signs of it every day. But it made me feel uncomfortable/embarrassed/guilty, when she said that no, they didn’t have resources or money to do anything for Christmas.

I didn’t know how to respond to that, so I think I mumbled something like “I’m sorry” and then explained to her that I experienced Guatemalan tamales for the first time with my host family, which is something we don’t have back home for Christmas. It turns out she sold bread on the street for a living, but today she was going to Antigua to sell toys, which was what was in the giant bag on her lap. When I told her that I was here with an NGO, working at a day care in a marginalized community, she asked if I knew of a place where she could send her kids. She had tried getting them into a daycare run by another NGO in the city, but they had been turned away. Sadly, I had to tell her that no, I didn’t know how to help her. Just before I got off the bus, I brought out my breakfast that I hadn’t eaten yet, and shared it with her and her son, who eagerly accepted the offer, and we said goodbye.

I think the reason why this interaction affected me so much was not just because they were poor, but because I had been so surprised by it. Sitting next to her on the bus, she was a “normal” person, just like me. She was my equal. Not someone who could barely make ends meet, and struggled to feed her 2 children every day. If I had have seen this same woman and her son on the street, trying to sell bread to me, I would have quickly walked on by, without giving them a second look. How hypocritical of me, that by doing this, I am ignoring the very people who I have come to serve. I work with poor people every day in El Salvador, but I don’t think of them as “poor people”, but as my co-workers and my students and their families. Yet when I step out onto the streets, among a sea of unknown people, I go back to stereotyping the poor, even if it is unintentional.

These stories, and many others, are why I have been struggling so much with the privileges I have, and the guilt I have been feeling because of it.

The theme of the December issue of Geez Magazine was privilege, and a couple of their online articles really helped me these past few weeks. Here is the link for the first article, written by the editor. http://www.geezmagazine.org/magazine/article/turn-outward-listen-fumble-for-love/

She says:

“Privilege is what Sara Ahmed describes in her book, The Cultural Politics of Emotion, as a “sticky object.” A lot of emotion, especially negative emotion, comes together around it. When we recognize the hidden function of unearned advantage in our well-intentioned movements and communities, we feel anger, paranoia, fear, despair and shame. With all these yucky feelings, we can get stuck.”

“I think positive engagement with privilege requires us to turn outward; to become listeners and followers instead of always speakers and leaders; to step outside outdated patriarchal, sexist, white supremacist and oppressive ways of thinking; to feel our way – as the “occupiers” of Wall Street and all the other co-ops, collectives, coalitions and faith communities are trying to do – toward a kind of solidarity we hesitantly call love.”

Another article talked about privilege and how to deal with it and your guilt, and invite grace into the mix, which has been a big help for me.

http://www.geezmagazine.org/magazine/article/a-walk-in-the-dim-valley/

I am still struggling to make sense of life in Central America, and I’m sure I always will. These articles remind me that it is ok to feel guilt now and then, and it is ok to focus on stories of suffering and despair sometimes, and to have a good cry once in a while. What helps me a little bit, is to know I am not alone in these feelings. Yet it is also important to show myself grace – I can’t help the fact that I grew up in a context very different than that of Guatemala or El Salvador. I can’t let my guilt or shame paralyze me. It is also important to remind myself (and well-intentioned people back home, wanting to help “those poor people in Central America”) that although many of my Central American friends, co-workers, family members, strangers on the street, gang members, homeless children, abused women etc. have many stories of suffering, they also have stories of joy, love and strength. Although I know it will still be difficult for me, I am looking forward to continue hearing the stories of my Salvadoran and Guatemalan neighbours.

The thing about privilege though, is that naming it is not enough. My goal for the new year is to take some tiny (but still important, I think!) actions:

-         listening more

-         buying and consuming less

-         continuing to critically think about my own privileges and wealth, and how to undo them when possible

-         giving myself, and others, grace, because we all make mistakes daily

I hope that the things I have been learning and experiencing so far here in Central America, will help shape how I view, prepare for and celebrate Christmas in the coming years, and truly take into heart (and action!) the story of Jesus being born as a refugee, in a stable, among the poor. Because often times in North America (and even in Central America) we somehow forgot or ignore this fact while celebrating the Christmas season. For me, I think it is because it is so much easier to fall into the warm and fuzzy feelings of Christmas, than it is to think critically about the true lessons of Christmas, which may require us to feel sadness, pain, guilt or anger, feelings that are not so warm or fuzzy at all.

On a final note, I want to reassure everyone back home, that I am safe! Foreigners are rarely targeted or affected by gangs and violence. I just wanted to let people know what’s been going on in my life lately, and not just the good stuff.

Henry Nouwen has a quote that I like, which says:

In this crazy world, there's an enormous distinction between good times and bad, between sorrow and joy.

But in the eyes of God, they're never separated.

Where there is pain, there is healing. Where there is mourning, there is dancing. Where there is poverty, there is the kingdom.

More December Highlights!

I am back in El Salvador again, and it is hard to believe that the second week of January is already starting! The month of December went by super fast and was filled with a lot of very meaningful (and also fun!) events for me, so before I dive into January, I wanted to write a blog post reflecting on the past month’s activities (because although Christmas was great, it wasn’t the only thing that kept me busy this month!).

1)      Day trip to the Finca

There weren’t a lot of things for me to do once the daycare/pre-school ended in the beginning of December, so one day I got to go with some exchange students from the US, to visit the Finca that ANADES owns (a finca is like a farm or piece of land out in the country). ANADES owns about 66 Hectares of land, about one and a half hours outside of the city, where they grow coffee, beans (a staple in the Salvadoran diet), vegetables and fruits, all organically grown. Although one day was too short to learn all about what ANADES does in the Finca, it was nice to get a taste of it, and I enjoyed being out of the city for once, and in the beautiful outdoors! I hope to visit it again soon, and possibly learn how to process coffee!

2)      MCC/Youth Service Trip to Bezaleel

Every year the MCC Guatemala/El Salvador team organizes a “Semana de Servicio” or Service Week, for all the MCC workers as well as 3 youth from every partner organization, to get together and help out with some sort of volunteer project for a few days, as well as learn about a specific topic related to a social justice issue. This year’s topic was restorative justice, which I thought was very fitting and interesting to talk about, considering the context of violence and crime that practically all Salvadorans and Guatemalans live in.

The service project was extra special for me since it was held in the department of Alta Verapaz, at Bezaleel School, The Kekchi Mennonite Education, where I volunteered at for 2 weeks in March of 2005, when a group from my church participated in an MCC Work and Learn Team trip. This trip was a life changing experience for me, and it was really neat being back there again, almost 7 years later! Unfortunately it wasn’t quite the same atmosphere as I had the first time I was there, since the students were not there – they were home because of their Summer break. But this was a very special experience in its own way, due to the diversity of the group that came for the Service Week (or 3 days…it’s just not quite as catchy of a title!)  There were about 25 Guatemalan & Salvadoran youth, ranging from the ages of 12-30, coming from both rural and urban areas, and more importantly speaking 4 different languages (Spanish, as well as 3 other Indigenous languages of Guatemala). Although the youth didn’t know each other before arriving at Bezaleel, they quickly became friends with each other (as well as the MCC workers) the first afternoon, when we split into groups and painted the school dorm rooms as our service project. The youth had fun painting the walls (as well as each other) while taking time to learn about each other’s communities, and even learn how to say words and phrases in the different languages, all while speaking in (broken) Spanish, the second language of about half of the youth present. Their eagerness and interest to learn and share with each other, despite their many differences, really caught me by surprise and (this may sound cheesy) but I found myself smiling to myself numerous times throughout these 3 days – I think this was one of the most concrete examples of peace building I have ever experienced! The last night they even started exchanging cell phone numbers and last names, so they could become “facebook friends” and stay in touch.

A fellow MCCer, Adriana, who is the Connecting People’s Coordinator, wrote a blog about the Service Week as well – I would highly recommend folllowing her blog, to anyone who is interested in learning more about the work being done by MCC and its partner organizations in Guatemala and El Salvador.

http://connectingpeoplesguatemala.blogspot.com/2011/12/service-week-bit-less-bit-more.html

3)      The beach!

On a less serious note, I spent 3 days at the beach in El Salvador, before heading to Guatemala for the rest of my Christmas holidays. It was a great way to relax and soak up some sun, as well as some beautiful sights that this country has to offer.

4)      New Year’s in Guate

Last but not least, my final highlight of December was spending New Year’s Eve with my Guatemalan host family once again, and all the cousins, aunts and uncles. New Year's in Central America is a lot more about spending time with family, than it is back home. It was pretty much the same as Christmas Eve, except for without the gift-giving, and no second party to go to after midnight – just lots of firecrackers, laughter, music, dancing, and a delicious supper at our house at 12:30 in the morning! I feel like a broken record saying this, just I can't begin to explain how wonderful it is to have a second set of family members like them.

 

I had some more thoughts that I wanted to share about my Christmas in Central America, but I just couldn’t bring myself to talk about the many reminders of violence and poverty that I saw this past month, in the same blogpost where I was talking about all the joys I had experienced and the abundance of food, family and friends I was (and am) blessed to have. Also, I am still trying to gather my thoughts about living in such a poor and violent country, so I will save this more serious topic for another day.

For now, I will end off the post with some photos! Peace and Happy New Year to you all!



Me with a cheesy smile, happily enjoying a fresh mandarin orange in the Finca!



Bezaleel - Kekchi Mennonite Education Centre



Bezaleel school grounds

The soccer field, that our church helped dig out/flatten for the students, back in 2005

Youth from Santiago Atitlan, Guatemala, performing a traditional dance for the Cultural/Talent Show on the last night

A hilarious act put on by Guatemalan youth from Santiago Atitlan and San Marcos



The whole Semana de Servicio group



enjoying the beach in El Salvador!



  

New Year's Eve with some of my Guatemalan host cousins, showing them some Canadian
culture by watching the World Junior's game on the internet!



My Guatemalan host family on New Year's Eve, minus Diego's 7 year old son





Feliz Navidad! Christmas in Guate

Merry Christmas from Guatemala!

As you may remember from previous blog posts, I had a wonderful experience with my Guatemalan host family during my first 2 months of SALT, and they invited me to spend Christmas and New Years with them. Although Christmas in Guate is a lot different than Christmas back home, and I was missing snow and all my family and friends and Christmas traditions back home, I wasn’t homesick, thanks to the wonderful hospitality of the Kaehler family! I had a really amazing Christmas, and much better than I was expecting, considering only a couple weeks ago I had been feeling pretty homesick for a Canadian Christmas.

Now, how to describe a Guatemalan Christmas…

First of all, Christmas in Guatemala (and El Salvador too) is just celebrated for one day, unlike back home where we have numerous dinners and get-togethers with family and friends throughout the whole holiday season. Here they just celebrate la Noche Buena (Christmas Eve). Christmas day is just a day to rest, because their Christmas Eve celebrations with family go into the early hours of Christmas morning. So here is what Christmas 2011 looked like for me.

My host mom spent the days of the 23^rd and the 24^th busy in the kitchen making tons of food. The main traditional Guatemalan Christmas food is tamales, a delicious dish made of corn and rice. They are filled with pork, peppers, raisins, olives and a red tomato sauce with lots of yummy Guatemalan spices. Each individual “tamal” is wrapped up separately in banana leaves and tied up with a dried weed, and then cooked for at least 8 hours. My host mom made 110 of these – a lot of work!! She also made traditional Guatemalan punch, a fruit drink with fresh pineapples, apples and papayas, as well as spices, served hot. Another big part of Guatemalan Christmas are firecrackers. Although the big show is at midnight on Christmas Eve, all day and night on the 24^th and 25^th you could hear firecrackers and fireworks going off in the distance.

Christmas Eve is a big deal, so everyone gets dressed up for the evening. At around 7:00, aunts, uncles and cousins started arriving at our house, and the girl cousins and aunts got dressed up in their new clothes, and started doing their hair and makeup together. The extended Kaehler family (the family of my host dad) consists of 2 uncles, 5 aunts, 13 cousins (between the ages of 2 and 30), 2 boyfriends/fiancés, Diego’s son Josúe, and me, their Gringa/Canadian cousin! It was a full house! The evening consisted of lots of noise, laughter, and tons of food! The youngest Kaehler cousin, 2 year old Ceci, entertained the whole family with some Christmas dancing and singing, which was hilarious and super cute! The cousins had bought tons of different kinds of firecrackers, so we set some off before midnight, to test them out. I even got to set a few off, but only the smaller ones – my host brothers didn’t trust me with the bigger ones! Then at around 10:00 all the cousins and aunts and uncles left, because even though it had been quite the party and there was tons of food still left, this wasn’t the main event. We were invited to eat Christmas Dinner at 1 in the morning (crazy, eh??) at my host dad's sister's house. So everyone went home for a bit to rest up, before the real Christmas began, and to open their presents. When midnight came around, we all went outside to set off the rest of the firecrackers. It was crazy and very loud – there were lights and noises coming from every single direction in the streets, but it was a lot of fun, and there were some bigger fireworks shows that we could see off in the distance. Once the fireworks were done, and every family member and neighbour had given/received a Christmas hug and greeting, we went inside to open the Christmas presents. Most of the presents were for Josúe, Diego’s 7 year old son. But there were even 2 presents under the tree for me, which I wasn’t expecting! Then at aroud 12:30, once the presents were open, we headed to another part of the city to (finally!!) enjoy Christmas dinner with the extended Kaehler family again. Instead of all sitting down at the same time, it was kind of like eat whenever you are hungry. We had more of the Christmas punch, and our Christmas dinner consisted of pork with a delicious sauce, rice mixed with some vegetables and cream cheese (soooo yummy!!!) and a salad. There was more exchanging of gifts, mostly for the younger cousins, and then people just hung around in the living room, half of us talking, half of us sleeping! At 3 am we left to go back home, and by 4 am Christmas morning I was fast asleep.

Christmas Day I slept in until noon, and then had a lazy afternoon in my pyjamas. Some of the cousins had slept over at our house, so we played a bit of Dutch Blitz, which has become a popular card game in the Kaehler household. At about 4 pm, another aunt, uncle and cousin came over, and we had a “Christmas lunch” that my host mom had prepared. I’m not sure if this is something they do every year for Christmas Day, or if it was just because it was a Sunday and no one had to work. Plus my host mom loves cooking for others and is an amazing cook. Either way, it was a delicious meal, and nice to spend time with some of the extended family once more. We had pork again, this time with gravy, delicious mashed potatoes and veggies. And also some Egg Nog that I had bought from the grocery store, and was super excited about! Then once it got dark, the cousins and my host dad lit up some more firecrackers out in the street (along with the rest of Guatemala).

And that in a nutshell was my Guatemalan Christmas; filled with tons of delicious food but most importantly wonderful people, who have made me feel like another daughter/sister/niece/cousin in the family, even though I’m not even living in Guatemala anymore. It was a very special Christmas that I will never forget!

my Guatemalan host nephew Josue, opening his Christmas presents

my Guatemalan host sisters Karla and Carolina, all dressed up for the Christmas Eve festivities

Setting off firecrackers at midnight on Christmas Eve!
I was a little bit nervous at first, but it was actually a lot of fun. And most importantly, no one got hurt!!

November in a Nutshell

It's been brought to my attention that tomorrow is the first day of December, and that it's been a while since I've updated my blog! So here is my attempt to quickly summarize my past month in El Salvador.

First thing's first - I finally have a host family! Although I was beginning to get into a routine in my previous home, and enjoying the quietness and independence of living with 2 nuns (not the typical SALTer experience, I would imagine!), I was happy to move in with a more "typical" host family, and have more people around at home to practice my Spanish with. 3 weeks ago I moved in with Ana Mirian, the director of ANADES (the organization I work for here in El Salvador), and her family. The household consists of Ana Mirian's mother Hilda (who owns the house, which was built by her late husband), Ana Mirian's husband Miguel, and their 3 children Karla, Miguel (or Miguelito) and Belén.
Miguel works long shifts at the hospital (he's a doctor, I think!) and Ana Mirian is always very busy with ANADES work or events, so they are not home too often. I interact mostly with Hilda, the grandma, who has been very sweet and welcoming to me. She is home most of the time, looking after the 2 youngest kids (since right now they are on summer vacation) and doing most of the cooking and cleaning in the house. Miguel (the son) and Belén (the daughter) are 8 year old twins - they were super excited to welcome me as a new member of their family, and are always giving me hugs and talking my ear off every chance they get. They're super cute, but luckily when they get to be a bit much, my bedroom is located upstairs, so I can just go up to my room and shut the door when I need a break! My other host sister Karla turned 22 last week. She is also very nice, but super busy so I don't see her very often either. She studies at the university during the day, and then on evenings and weekends works at Starbucks. They also have a pet turtle, which I discovered rather surprisingly the other day in the backyard/patio area!



host siblings from left to right, Belén, Karla, and Miguel


My work at the pre-school, Centro Hogar, is going very well. It is almost always the highlight of my day, because the kids are just so adorable and fun to be around. The school year in El Salvador is different then back home. Here it goes from January to November, with summer holidays in December for the kids. This means that Friday is the last day of classes at our school and on Saturday we will have "la clausura" or the closing program, for the parents. I will give a better summary of my work here at Centro Hogar and ANADES next week, once the school year is over, and I have more time to reflect on it.

Overall, the month of November has been a good one. As I get to know the city of San Salvador better, and as my relationship with my host family and my co-workers at ANADES grows, I am beginning to feel more at home here. I celebrated my 24th birthday a week and a half ago, and although I was a bit homesick that day, this past week I enjoyed 3 different birthday cakes/celebrations (a record for me, as far as I remember!) with my 3 different families here in Central America - my Guate host family, my MCC "family", and my El Salvador host family, which definitely lifted up my spirits and cured my homesickness and loneliness I had been experiencing! I spent 5 days in Guate, where we celebrated American Thanksgiving with the MCC team or "family" in the city, had our MCC team Annual Meeting in beautiful Santiago Atitlan, and I also had a chance to visit my Guate host family! It was definitely the highlight of the month for me! Also, just getting out of El Salvador for a little while and having more time to talk with my fellow MCCers, helped me reflect upon all the blessings I have been experiencing in El Salvador and helped me have a more positive attitude about everything that's been going on the past couple months.

Thank you to everyone who has sent me emails this past month - although I haven't had time to respond, they have been greatly appreciated!

Lastly, here are some pictures from my 3 wonderful birthday celebrations :)

Birthday celebration #1 - delicious apple pie, with my Guate host family

Birthday Cake # 2, in Santiago Atitlan. Celebrating with everyone from the MCC Team and
MCC's partner organization ANADESA, who had birthdays in the past few months

Birthday Cake # 3 in San Salvador! Joint celebration for Karla and I.
Back row, L-R: Olivia (friend and co-worker from ANADES) and my host grandma Hilda
Front row, L-R: Belen, Karla, Miguel, and I